Intrinsic Examination by tre g

Plainly stated,
I’m getting older - bolder
Maybe, a little wiser
And I’m realizing being a soldier
Doesn’t mean you have to be hard and callous
But disciplined and mature
And just because you’re prepared for war
Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go.
You see I’ve written too much
To simply be a poet,
Yet not quite enough to be an author,
My thoughts- despite how inspiring-
Haven’t enough structure to be considered arguments
So to say I’m an essayist would be an overstated compliment
I’m just a man,
That can’t be defined by what I do,
I’m just someone who understands
Life is complicated enough
Without our own incompetence,
And morals compromised by desires
Pave pathways to perdition,
Listen, I know “normal” folks
Don’t talk like this,
But maybe that’s why most men
Seem to lose it in the long run,
And I would love to offer you thirty days of madness
But I’ve just started to make sense
Outta the last thirty years of insanity
God has handed me
Grace….
Gradually,
So I’ve managed to get older- bolder
Maybe, a little wiser
And I’m realizing being a soldier
Doesn’t mean you have to be hard and callous
But disciplined and mature
And just because you’re prepared for war
Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to go.
And no, I don’t have all the answers
In fact I’ve got God in an interrogation room
Under a spotlight spitting out the plans to my destiny
I’ve got no secret recipe for success
Except failure,
No philosophy on life,
And there’s only a few things I tell little boys desiring to be men;
When your level of maturity offers you a platform
To teach responsibility to those around you
You’ve become a man.
Learn to stand with your head up,
If God intended for men to look down
He’d have put our eyes on our feet,
And heaven underground,
Seek favor not fame,
Don’t be afraid of change,
Everything will, and does,
Embrace love wherever you find it,
And leave yourself reminders
Of how bright life can be
So you have flashlights to see
When the sunshine is gone,
I might not be here at dawn
But hopefully,
You’ll get older- bolder
Maybe, a little wiser
Realizing being a soldier
Doesn’t mean you have to be hard and callous
But disciplined and mature
And just because you’re prepared for war
Doesn’t necessarily mean
You have to go.

THE APPROACHABILITY PRINCIPLE: BEING AT EASE WITH OURSELVES HELP OTHERS TO BE AT EASE WITH US

We can give no greater gift to others than putting them at ease.

THE QUESTION I MUST ASK MYSELF: Would my friends say that I am easy to approach about difficult issues?

The quality of any first time meeting experience depends largely on their approachability.

Some people treat the idea of becoming approachable as frivolous; it’s a nice thing if one can be bothered to cultivate it. But truly it’s much more than that. It’s a powerful tool in one’s relational toolbox.

DON’T MISS OUT
People miss many opportunities for connection & the chance to build deeper relationships because they do not make themselves approachable.

Approachability has little to do with other people’s boldness or timidity.
It has everything to do with how YOU conduct yourself and what messages you send to others.

“The Art of Getting Along”
“Sooner or later, a man, if he is wise, discovers that life is a mixture of good days and bad, victory & defeat, give & take. He learns that it doesn’t pay to be a too-sensitive soul, that he should let some things go over his head like water off a duck’s back. He learns that he who loses his temper usually loses out, that all men have burnt toast for breakfast now and then, & that he shouldn’t take the other fellow’s grouch too seriously.
He learns that carrying a chip on his shoulder is the easiest way to get into trouble, that the quickest way to become unpopular is to carry tales of gossip about others, that buck-passing always turns out to be a boomerang, that is doesn’t matter so much who gets the credit so long as the job gets done.
He learns that most others are as ambitious as he is, that they have brains as good or better, that hard work, not cleverness, is the secret of success. He learns that no man ever gets to first base alone, and that it is only through cooperative effort that we move on to better things.
He realizes (in short) that the “art of getting along” depends about 98% on his own behavior toward others”

HOW TO PUT PEOPLE AT EASE
1. Personal Warmth – They Truly Like People
“Kindness is a language the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear and understand.” ~ Christian Bovee
2. Appreciation for the Differences in People
3. Consistency of Mood
4. Sensitivity Toward People’s Feelings
5. Understanding of Human Weaknesses and Exposure of Their Own
6. Ability to Forgive Easily & Quickly Ask for Forgiveness
“Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness." ~ David Augsburger
7. Authenticity
a. Approachable people are real. They are who they are.
i. As a result they engage with people on a GENUINE level.
ii. They don’t pretend to be someone they’re not.
iii. They don’t go out of their way to hide what they think & feel.
iv. They have no hidden agenda.
v. They say what they mean and mean what they say.
vi. You don’t have to worry about where you stand with them.
b. One of the reasons they can be authentic is that they are SECURE with themselves
i. Secure people don’t feel that they always have to win
ii. Secure people don’t have anything to prove
iii. Security is the most disarming of all traits
c. Approachable people are at ease with themselves, and that puts others at ease

Approachability is the responsibility of the person in authority

THE BOB PRINCIPLE: WHEN BOB HAS A PROBLEM WITH EVERYONE, BOB IS USUALLY THE PROBLEM

“All seems infected that the infected spy, as all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye.” – Alexander Pope

The Question I Must Ask Myself: Am I Bob?

HE LOOKS LIKE A BOB TO ME

1. Bob is a problem carrier – the Bobs of the world carry around problems & those problems affect others.

2. Bob is a problem finder – a Bob likes to find problems & expose them to others. He subscribes to Chisholm’s 2nd law (“Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something”)

3. Bob is a problem creator – Bob always creates problems, & he usually involves others in what he’s doing.

4. Bob is a problem receiver – Bob is usually a recipient of problems from others, & he encourages people to bring him more.

WHAT ABOUT BOB?

How to deal with a Bob

1. Respond with a positive comment
· Problem? – Respond with something positive
· Situation? – Find the bright side
· Person? – Point out a positive trait you’ve observed

2. Show your concern for someone being criticized
· Anytime a person’s motives are being critiqued, the best thing is to give him the benefit of the doubt. No one should presume to know the heart of another person. That’s something only God can judge.
· Believe the best in others and express that belief unless the individuals prove otherwise to you personally

3. Encourage steps toward resolution
· Anytime someone bring you a problem he has with another person - & he hasn’t personally addressed the problem with the other person – he’s really engaging in gossip. And if you listen, you are too.
i. The best way to deal with gossip is to direct the complainer to talk to the person with whom he has an issue. Encourage him to meet one-on-one & work things out.
ii. If he brings up the issue again, ask him point-blank: “Have you addressed this with him yet? If the answer is no, refuse to discuss it.

4. Ask Bob to THINK before speaking
· T – Is it True?
· H – Is it Helpful?
· I – Is it Inspiring?
· N – Is it Necessary?
· K – Is it Kind?

5. Keep Bob Away from Others

WHAT IF YOU’RE BOB?
Are you a Bob?
1. Do I often experience some kind of conflict almost everyday?
2. Do people often rub me the wrong way?
3. Do bad things just naturally happen to me?
4. Do I have few friends and wish I had more?
5. Do I always seem to say the wrong thing?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you might be a Bob. If so “THINK” before speaking

THE SITUATION PRINCIPLE: NEVER LET THE SITUATION MEAN MORE THAN THE RELATIONSHIP

“It’s more rewarding to resolve a situation than to dissolve a relationship”

The Question I Must Ask Myself: Do I sometimes put situations ahead of my relationships?

MAKE THE DECISION FIRST

Successful people make right decisions early and manage those decisions daily. That’s true when it comes to values priorities, finances, faith, health – and especially relationships. Keeping relationships strong is a decision.

HOW CAN I KEEP THE SITUATION IN PROPER PERSPECTIVE?

1. Do I See the Big Picture – or Just the Bad Picture?
a. Whenever you experience a rough time in a relationship, you need to remind yourself of why that relationship is significant to you in the first place.

2. Do I Communicate the Big Picture Along with the Bad One?

3. Is This a One Time Situation or an Oft-Repeated One?

4. Do I Make Too Many Situations a Life-or-Death Issue?
a. How often are you tense and upset?
b. How often do you raise your voice when talking to others?
c. How frequently are you battling for your personal rights or for what’s right?

5. Do I Show My Unconditional Love During Difficult Situations

THE BEDROCK PRINCIPLE: Trust Is the Foundation of Any Relationship

“It is a greater compliment to be trusted than to be loved” ~ George MacDonald

The Question I Must Ask Myself: Am I a trustworthy person?

TRUST ME ON THIS
It’s impossible to overestimate the importance of truth when it comes to trust

If you boil relationships down to the most important element, it’s always going to be trust – not leadership, value, partnership, or anything else.


If you don’t have trust, your relationship is in trouble and here’s why:
Trust Is the Foundation of Any Relationship
Developing trust is like constructing a building
i. It takes time & it must be done one piece at a time
ii. As in construction, it’s much easier to tear something down than it is to build it up
1. But if the foundation is strong, there’s a good chance that what is built upon will stand

Trust Is the Frame of Any Relationship
A relationship is like a painting and trust is like the frame that surrounds it & holds it together.
i. Trust provides a context in which to view the work of art
ii. Trust defines it’s boundaries
iii. Trust secures it to the wall so that it can be enjoyed
iv. Trust provides emotional structure
“Trust is…established when words & deeds are congruent. Trust also develops when people feel safe & secure. When thoughts & ideas are shot down & ridiculed, it doesn’t take long to realize that the climate is neither safe nor conducive to making yourself vulnerable. Defensive climates can be diminished by providing descriptive rather than evaluative comments, expressing feelings of caring and involvement, and being willing to actively seek out, listen to, understand, and utilize other people’s perspectives” – William M. Boast, author of Masters of Change

Trust Is the Height of Any Relationship
When 2 people trust each other COMPLETELY, the relationship can grow to a level of friendship that is as rewarding as anything in life.

EARNING TRUST OF OTHERS
“Trust is the result of a risk successfully survived” – Jack R. Gibbs
1. When people trust us they truly take a risk
· But with each successive time people put their trust in us & we don’t let them down, we reduce that risk & build the relationship.

2. If you desire to build your trustworthiness - & as a result, your relationship – remember these 3 truths about trust:
1. Trust Begins with Yourself
o If you’re not honest with yourself, you will not be capable of honesty with others.
§ Self-deception is the enemy of relationships, and it also undermines personal growth.
§ If you can’t admit your short-comings, you can’t improve them.
o It all goes back to the Mirror Principle
§ The first person we must examine is ourselves
§ Don’t ask others to put their confidence in you if you believe you may betray it.
§ Work on your character first, then your relationships.

2. Trust Can’t Be Compartmentalized
o “One of the realities of life is that if you can’t trust a person at all points, you can’t truly trust him or her at any point” – Cheryl Biehl
§ Many people try to compartmentalize their lives
· They try to cut corners or compromise their values in one area of life, & believe it won’t affect another area.
o Character doesn’t work that way & neither does trust.
o If someone asks you to help him in a lie, don’t believe that he will avoid lying to you whenever it’s convenient.
§ What a person will do with you, he’ll also do to you.
o An individual’s character eventually bleeds into every aspect of his life

3. Trust Works Like a Bank Account
o “Trust is like a bank account –- you’ve got to keep making deposits if you want it to grow. On occasion, things will go wrong & you will have to make a withdrawal. Meanwhile, it’s sitting in the bank earning interest” – Mike Abrashoff

o “Change In Your Pocket” Relationally
§ When you 1st begin a relationship with someone, you start fresh with that person
· If the person is trusting and generous you may begin with a little bit of change
· If the person is suspicious or hurting, you probably begin with none
§ Each time you do something to build trust; you put relational change in your pocket.
§ Each time you do something negative, you spend some of that change.
· Do enough negative things –due to lack of character or competence --- & you’re bankrupt, & that spells the end of that relationship.

o If this is a new concept to you, then you need to ask yourself some questions at the end of every day:
§ Am I making deposits?
§ Am I making withdrawals?
· If so you need to make things right by doing the following:
o Apologize
o Ask yourself why you broke trust
o Correct the issue in your life
o Recognize that it takes longer to restore trust than to lose it
o Remember, trust is stored by deeds, not just by words

§ Am I compounding my trust?
· “If you set up an atmosphere of communication & trust, it becomes a tradition. Older team members will establish your credibility with newer ones. Even if they don’t like everything about you, they’ll still say, ‘He’s trustworthy, committed to us as a team.’” – Mike Krzyzewski, head basketball coach at Duke University

A FRIEND INDEED
You can trust them with your life
They love you unconditionally
They embrace your vision
They embody your values
The represent you well to others
They look out for your best interest
The speak the truth when you need to hear it
The support you through the tough times
They defend you to your crictics

WHAT IF YOU’RE RELUCTANT TO TRUST OTHERS?
Forgive them – Because you are in the right, you have power over the other persons. Please don’t abuse that power.
Explain that the violation must never happen again – Forgiving others doesn’t mean allowing them to continue hurting you.
Remember their better moments – We all have our highs & lows. It takes maturity to treat people according to their best qualities.

“The chief lesson I have learned in a long life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is by trusting him; & the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him & show your distrust.” – Henry L. Simpson, former U.S. secretary of state

THE TRUST QUESTION: CAN WE BUILD MUTUAL TRUST?

“The glory of friendship isn’t the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it’s the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why do many relationships fall apart?
• The reasons are many but the cause that outweighs all others is BROKEN TRUST

How do you define “trust”?
· “A firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, etc of another person”

“You may not know what trust is but you know what it isn’t” – Kevin Myers

If people lie to you, steal from you, or physically harm you, then you know you can’t trust them. That’s obvious
· But are there other ways that a person can break trust?

· Are there things that people can do to make a relationship unworthy of trust?

· What kind of person must you be in a relationship in order to be worthy of another person’s trust?

The Bedrock Principle: Trust is the foundation of any relationship
The Situation Principle: Never let the situation mean more than the relationship
The Bob Principle: When Bob has a problem with everyone, Bob is usually the problem.
The Approachability Principle: Being at ease with ourselves helps others be at ease with us.
The Foxhole Principle: When preparing for battle, dig a hole big enough for a friend.

Trust by ~ahmetorhan www.deviantart.com