Point to Ponder: Conflict is like cancer: early detection increases the possibility of a healthy outcome.
The Question I must Ask Myself: Do I care enough to confront the right way?
The Truth About Conflict
○ We instinctively know some things about relationships to be true
§ Conflict is unavoidable
□ The only way to avoid conflict is to isolate ourselves from all other people on the planet
§ Confrontation is difficult
□ No one like confrontation so every one avoids it
□ Why is it difficult to confront?
¨ We fear being disliked, misunderstood, or rejected
¨ We fear the unknown
¨ We're not used to sharing our feelings
¨ We worry that we'll just make things worse
§ How we handle conflict determines our success in tough situations
□ Conflict always compounds when confrontation is not done quickly & correctly
¨ This is why your approach matters. Here's a sampling of harmful strategies that people use when dealing with conflict
◊ Win at all costs - quick, brutal and destructive
◊ Pretend it doesn’t exist - if you hear no evil, see no evil & speak no evil, evil will not cease to exist
◊ Whine about it - winners aren't whiners & whiners aren't winners. Playing the victim doesn't cure conflict. It just irritates everybody
◊ Keep score - people who keep a record of wrongs can't ever start over fresh. And nobody can ever get "even"
◊ Pull rank - using position never really resolves conflict. It merely postpones it
◊ White flag it - Quitting is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
¨ None of these approaches will give the help a person needs to resolve conflict in a healthy way
A Road Map for Healthy Confrontation
Conflict resolution isn’t complicated. Intellectually it’s simple.
But emotionally it can be difficult. It requires HONESTY, HUMILITY, & DEDICATION TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
Here’s a 6-step plan to help you tackle the task of confrontation.
1. Confront a Person ONLY If You Care for That Person
· Go into a confrontation with the other person’s best interests in mind
· “Deep down, your players must know you care about them. This is the most important thing. I could never get away with what I do if the players felt I didn’t care. They know, in the long run, I’m in their corner.” – Bo Schembechler, former head football coach of U of Michigan.
i. When you get ready to confront someone they should have that same kind of sense from you
2. Meet Together ASAP
· Putting off confrontation only causes the situation to fester
i. It’s never a good idea to save up a bunch of stuff & then give a person a history lesson during a confrontation.
ii. Instead meet right away, face-to-face.
iii. If that’s ABSOLUTELY impossible, then consider a conversation by phone.
iv. Under no circumstances should you confront someone via e-mail, text message, etc.
3. First Seek Understanding, Not Necessarily Agreement
· A significant hindrance to positive conflict resolution is having too many preconceived notions going into a confrontation.
i. “The person who gives an opinion before he understands is human, but the person who gives judgment before he understands is a fool”
4. Outline the Issue
· Describe your perceptions
i. Stay away from conclusions &/or statements about the other person’s motives
ii. Just tell what you think you see, & describe the problem you think it’s causing.
· Tell how this makes you feel.
i. Express clearly and without accusation how the other person’s actions make you feel
· Explain why this is important to you
i. Many times when a person finds out that something is a priority to you, that’s enough to make him want to change.
5. Encourage a Response
· Never confront others without letting them respond.
i. If you care about people, you will want to listen.
· Sometimes simply having a discussion helps you to realize that your perceptions were wrong.
· Other times you discover that you need to take extenuating circumstances into account
6. Agree to an Action Plan
· A good action plan should include these points
i. Clear identification of the issue
ii. Agreement to solve the issue
iii. Concrete steps that demonstrate the issue has been solved
iv. An accountability structure, such as a time line & a responsible person.
v. A deadline for completion
vi. A commitment by both parties to put the issue in the past once resolved.
· Successful confrontation usually changes both people, not just one
i. The Reciprocity Rule: People will begin to have similar opinions of one another over time
· Positive change is the first measure of success when resolving conflict through confrontation.
· The ongoing growth of the relationship is the 2nd measure of success
